Rewriting Orel’s History Can Be Child’s Play

For your theoretical amusement, we now bring you: Children’s Letters to Orel Hershiser.

Dear Mr. Hershiser:

I am a Little Leaguer who hopes to become a big leaguer, just like you. Please give me some tips. When I win 20 games some day, should I go ahead and accept $7.9 million in salary, or should I insist upon proper contractual language in case of a lockout?

James from Baldwin Park

Dear Mr. Hershiser:

My Dad and me are having an argument. I say that after winning the World Series you said: “I’m going to Disneyland.” He says that after winning the World Series you said: “I’m going to buy Disneyland.” Who’s right?

Nathaniel from Hawthorne Dear Orel:

My friends in school are giving me a hard time because I want to go into professional baseball some day. They make fun of me because I hope to become an arbitrator. They say arbitrators are jerks. What do you say?

Roberto from San Clemente Dear O-Man:

I bet my best friend a buck that your paycheck has more zeroes than the line score of the last Oakland game. How about it?

Vincent from Gardena Dear Mr. Hershiser:

How come nobody ever talks about Orelmania? Or about you being Doctor O? Fernando had mania. Gooden’s called Doctor K. Are you being discriminated against because you’re a skinny white guy?

Charlie from Watts Dear Hot Stuff:

I have seen your BVD ad. How come you don’t pitch underwear the way Jim Palmer does? I’ve seen rosin bags bigger than what he wears.

Jane from Tarzana

Dear Orel:

The kids in my class make fun of my name. I tell them the toughest guys in the movies are named Arnold and Sylvester. But they never listen. When you were my age, did you get beat up a lot?

Julius from Irvine

Dear Mr. Hershiser:

If I only break even two years in a row but then have one good year, can I still get $2.63 million a year like you do?

Joanna from Carson

Hello Orel:

I want to go to summer camp, but my parents are broke. Please send money.

Allan from Sherman Oaks

Dear Mr. Hershiser:

I asked my Daddy if Orel Hershiser ever played T-ball. He said Orel Hershiser is probably more interested in T-bills. I don’t get it.

Clint from Westwood

Dearest Orel:

Would you happen to be busy Friday night? We could have coffee.

Margo from Costa Mesa Hey, Dude:

You make all that money and don’t even do any heavy lifting, except when you hug the manager. Cool.

Howie from Long Beach Dear Mr. Hershiser:

Mommy says you are the kind of grown-up who sets a good example. I heard how much you are making and you sure are.

Sybil from Banning Dear Mr. Hershiser:

If you autograph my baseball card, do I still have to pay you, like with that rat fink Mickey Mantle?

Peaches from El Monte Dear Money Bags:

Seven-point-nine million bucks! For workin’ every fifth day! Come on! Get serious! There are poor people in this land of ours, my friend! Two-and-a-half mil a year for playin’ ball 35 days outta 365! Gimme a break! I work five days a week, pal! You gotta be kiddin’ me! There’s somethin’ wrong with this country!

Morton from Downey