Olympic Guide to Diction

Now that the world is going to Atlanta for the Olympics in ‘96, it may want to know a few things about local customs and language as she is spoken there.

First of all, throw away the Berlitz books. You can’t learn Southern in a classroom. It’s best learned and spoken with a mouthful of hominy grits, an ear for the sing-song and a complete disregard for grammar, which is a Yankee invention, and, as such, despised in good old dee-eye-ex-eye-ee.

Herewith as a public service we present a list of Southern words and expressions with their common English translations that any foreigner who learned the language from an Oxford dictionary will want (and need) to carry with him:

Rotter--An author. Hemingway was a fine rotter.

Rot--Opposite of left. Or what you do with a pen.

Bobble--The Good Book. Words to live by. Comes in Old and New Testaments.

Hail--Bad place. Where you go if you don’t follow the precepts of the Bobble.

Bah--Purchase.

Pork--Place where you stroll on Sunday or where they play baseball. Comiskey Pork is the newest one in the major leagues.

Poke--Bacon. Meat from a pig.

Core--Automobile.

Watt--A color. Cotton is watt.

Raid--A primary color. The American flag is raid, watt and blue.

Knot--Opposite of day.

Cram--Offense against society.

Coat--Where a judge presides. Commit a cram, you go to coat.

Hod--Conceal.

Top--Sort. As in, “I’m the top of guy who likes old movies.”

Pour--Normal. The score in golf between a bogey and a birdie.

Coerce--A place where you play golf where a 4 is usually pour for the coerce.

Cohort--Where you play tennis.

Store--Luminary. Leading man or lady in movies. Bette Davis was a big store. Magic Johnson stores in basketball.

Gourds--Player on either side of the center in football or in the back cohort in basketball.

Sad--Dimension or point of view, as in, “There are two sads to every argument.”

Raffle--What you shoot turkeys with.

Fat--Physical contest between two people.

Fatter--Pugilist.

Fan--Just dandy.

Palate--Guy who flies an airplane. Some are fatter palates, others fly bombers.

Pin--What you rot with.

Sinner--The middle.

Blond--Can’t see.

Fire--Equitable. Just for all concerned. A ball that stays between the foul lines is said to be a fire ball.

Tot--Too much to drink or a collar one size too small.

Prod--What goeth before a fall. You take prod in your work.

Rod--What you take in a core or on a horse.

Rodder--Guy on horseback. Jockey.

Card--Yellow belly. Quitter.

Far--Conflagration. Don’t bring up the far in Atlanta in 1864 when you get to town.

Par--Electric current or ability to hit the long ball.

Hard--Cosell’s first name.

Hoard--Difficult.

Tattle--What you win in sports. When Evander Holyfield knocked out Buster Douglas, he got the heavyweight tattle.

Thank--What you do with your brain.

Cord--What you play poker with. Get good cords, you win.

Lot--Illumination. Turn out the lots, the party’s over.

Bore--Where you go to get a drink (pronounced, dry-ink).

Manner--Prospector. Guy who mans for gold. Underaged.

Hot--Altitude. A guy 7 feet tall is said to have a hot advantage.

Lock--Approve of. Enjoy.

Moll--5,280 feet.

Doll--What telephones used to have before push-buttons. You had to doll your number.

Port--What you do to your hair. You port it on the sad but some people port it in the sinner.

Heel--Big bump in the earth.

Learn this handy glossary. Remember, whenever you can take a one-syllable word and turn it into a two- or three-syllable word, you are talking Southern. To be Southern is to never be in a hurry. It’s not a drawl exactly, more of a drip. Be sure to smell the magnolias. And try not to mention the name Sherman. You’ll do just fan.