The Nation : And Now--the...

NEW YORK — Oct. 12: Goodness! Just happened to be following Sen. ---- and his secretary on the drive home tonight and was shocked when they turned in at a cheap motel--again! Lucky I had my infrared camera with me, or nobody would believe it! If I were that kind of guy, this could sure put me in the “catbird’s seat” if Sen. ---- ever decided to pull anything on the elected representative of the wonderful people of Oregon. But he’s a good guy, and a fine family man, and I’m sure he’d never do anything like that!

Oct. 15: Senators ---- and ---- came by the office today, offering $10,000 deposited to a Grand Cayman account for my vote against the Brady bill. Oops, completely forgot to tell them I had my secret tape-recording system on! Well, hope it was the right thing to do, stashing the tape in that safety deposit box, where it could be retrieved and played in public if I chose.

Oct. 17: You could have knocked me over with a feather! There was Sen. ----, all dressed up in a ball gown and curly wig as I happened to look into his bedroom window in Georgetown last night, on my way to the reception at the Belgian Embassy! This was the first time I had a chance to use the new zoom lens on my Leica: sharp, clear pictures! I’ve stashed the negatives in an airtight container under a rock somewhere in the Washington area--sure hope I don’t forget where it is!

Oct. 24: Sen. ---- dropped by my place Sunday for a drink that turned into 12 doubles, and he started telling me the most amazing stories about Sen. ----’s wife and some Senate pages. I happened to be shooting with my videocam at the time--one of my hobbies--and must have picked up an hour’s worth of choice stuff. Wonder if it has any archival value? Anyway, I put the videotape in an envelope addressed to the National Star, but haven’t decided whether to send it. Maybe I’ll ask for Sen. ----’s advice. Or his wife’s?

Oct. 28: Computer hacking’s such a fascinating hobby! Last night, just fooling around, I accidentally typed in a code and--there it was, Sen. ----’s list of favorite call girls! Names, dates, everything! Just then the printer went off and now I have a hard-copy record. Sen. ----’s personal didoes are none of my business, of course--but still, I must think of his constituents. Maybe they have a right to this information on their senator? Well, the printout is safe where I’ve hidden it until I figure this one out!

Oct. 29: Tiring day in the committee hearings. I grabbed up my papers about 6 p.m. and headed back to the office. Surprise! I’d accidentally picked up a sheaf of Sen. ----’s letterhead, covered with the most disgusting pornographic doodles! I don’t know where I put them, but if I had to, I could probably remember.

Oct. 30: Imagine, 301 calls to the same gay phone-sex line in one month! That’s what I found in Sen. ----’s telephone records for September when I was rooting through the trash last night, looking for a lost paper clip. I guess I won’t bother bringing this up on the Senate floor or anything, at least not right now. Wouldn’t want to distract Sen. ---- from the debate over releasing my private diaries.

Oct. 31: Just thinking tonight about all the friends I have in the Senate; how I’d like to get them all in the same room sometime before my Senate career is over, just to share old memories.

I’ve got so many mementos--scrapbooks, papers, pictures, tapes. I could get my hands on all this stuff in a flash. Maybe, before this gosh-darn debate about my diaries is over, I’ll do just that. Set a time and place and announce it on the Senate floor.

Should the press be invited? Hmmm. Guess I’d better ask my Senate colleagues. That would be the decent thing.