LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Ken Shapiro, on a faulty heating system forcing the Clintons into temporary quarters at Blair House: “Big deal. They’ve been living in temporary quarters ever since they moved into the White House.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the faulty heating ducts: “Last winter the Clintons had to keep warm by burning all their old real estate records.”

Hamilton, on the semi-nude photo of Prince Charles published by Bild, a German tabloid: “Too bad Charles can’t run for U.S. President in 1996. Imagine Bill Clinton being the moral choice.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the Bild snapshot: “In the same issue, there’s an even rarer photo--Robert Shapiro doing pro bono work.”

Peyser, on government officials trying to resolve a long-running controversy whether the Alabama sturgeon is endangered or extinct: “There is a third possibility. Maybe the fish is just incredibly shy.”

Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes, on the U.N. conference on population control: “Delegates have agreed the world should rely on natural birth-control methods--such as war and starvation.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on a congressional report that recommends a $4.5-billion Pentagon budget cut: “Military leaders aren’t too concerned. After all, what’s a couple of screwdrivers?”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on a recent study that shows 67% of medical school applicants say they want to help people: “Twenty percent say they have a doctor in the family, and 13% say they only want to get better tee times on Wednesdays.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the new Lincoln book, which says Abe launched his political career to escape a miserable home life with a nagging wife: “If that’s true, it’s scary when you think how close we could have come to having a President Tom Arnold.”

Comedy writer Terry Heath, on Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year: “This marks the year 5755 on the Jewish calendar. But I know that I’ll keep writing 5754 on my checks for the next month.”

*

A psychology professor, lecturing on human sexuality, asked his students how often they had sex.

“Every day?” A few raised their hands.

“Once a week?” A few more raised their hands.

This went on until he finally asked: “Once a year?”

A student in the back of the class stood up waving his arms frantically, with a big grin on his face.

“Good Lord, man,” said the prof, “if it’s just once a year, why are you so excited?”

Replied the student: “Tonight’s the night.”

--Paul Strengell, Claremont

*

The Rev. Kenneth L. Hubler of Pasadena says his son attended a school that combined second- and third-grade classes. His son, a second-grader, came home one day and announced that he had learned how to spell by listening to the third-grade lesson:

“You just divide the word into cylinders and pick out the bowels.”