LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Supremes ruling that the Ku Klux Klan may display its crosses in Cincinnati: “The artist Christo then announced his next project: He’ll drape a hood over the Supreme Court building.”

Comic Jenny Church, on last weekend’s Alcoholics Anonymous convention in San Diego: “AA has spawned an entire industry. Now, there’s even a support group for gardening addicts. Lawn-Anon: for women who love to mulch.”

* “And now there’s Kickers Anonymous, for cowboys addicted to country-Western dancing. It’s like AA, except this is a two-step program.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the major waterline break in Malibu: “Tanker trucks filled with Evian were rushed from surrounding communities so beach residents could wash their cars.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the Unabomber:

* “The professor who received his paper gave him an A for content. But spelling and punctuation errors brought his final grade down to a C-.”

* “There were so many typos, speculation is he may have once worked as Dan Quayle’s proofreader.”

* “There’s already a Unabomber movie in the works, tentatively titled, ‘Boy ‘N the Hood.’ ”

Hamilton, on Sen. Phil Gramm’s presidential bid: “America’s best actors are not on the Broadway stage. They’re on Phil’s payroll, telling him he’s got a real shot at the GOP nomination.”

Comedy writer Leslie Coogan, on Gov. Wilson complaining he’s a victim of character assassination: “Hey, Pete. You can’t hit what isn’t there.”

Reader Arve Thomassen, on the Raiders leaving town: “To make sure L.A. fans don’t feel abandoned, Channel 4 has promised to show the movie ‘Heidi’ every Sunday afternoon this fall.”

*

Cirque du O.J. . . . from HBO’s Dennis Miller:

* “To call the Simpson trial a circus is to insult trapeze artists and bearded ladies everywhere.”

* “This trial has gone on so long, Robert Shapiro and Johnnie Cochran have each shed three skins.”

* “The pace of this trial is beginning to make me yearn for a PBS pledge break.”

*

A man walked into a bar and ordered five expensive cocktails. The bartender lined them up, and the man immediately quaffed them, one immediately after the other.

“You certainly polished those off in a hurry,” the bartender exclaimed. “You would, too, if you had what I have,” the man replied.

“What do you have?” the bartender asked.

Answered the customer: “75 cents.”

-- Arlo Dundas/San Pedro

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After using Colton reader Walter Douglas’ bathroom during a visit, Douglas’ 4-year-old granddaughter had seen a first: blue toilet bowl water. Puzzled, she asked her father:

“What does Grandpa drink?”