LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Today you truly realize that it is much better to give than to receive. Mainly because you don’t have to stand in the return lines.

--Charlie Reinke

Cirque du O.J. (the sequel): “The Juice” is making a video to tell his side of the story:

* “He figures he’s already done a book, so why not take a stab at a video.” (Paul Ryan)

* “It was O.J.’s first acting job since prosecutor Chris Darden’s glove test.” (Paul Ecker)

* “And critics think the movie ‘Nixon’ distorts reality.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “He kept talking and talking. I guess the director was scared to yell, ‘Cut.’ ” (Jay Leno)

*

Also in the news: Argus Hamilton, on President Clinton saying that he’s dying to tell his side of the Whitewater story but his lawyers won’t let him: “That sounds familiar. Just where was he the night of June 12, 1994?”

Kenny Noble, on the Golden Globe Awards: “The White House had mixed feelings. ‘The American President’ got five nominations and one subpoena.”

Alan Ray, on media mogul Rupert Murdoch’s finger surgery: “Doctors say the damage was caused by external factors. It seems he had Newt Gingrich wrapped around it too tightly.”

Jenny Church, on a pizza executive being part of a Republican panel to draft the 1996 campaign’s tax reform plan: “When the group talks about cutting taxes, he keeps asking: ‘Into how many slices?’ ”

Gary Easley, on the California Public Utilities Commission allowing telephone companies to provide cable TV service: “Great, that’s all we need--crank infomercials.”

Ecker, on the impending divorce in the royal family: “Princess Di says she’ll take the pots and pans, and Charles will take the bowles.”

R.J. Johnson, on researchers saying that humans can use a little catnip to help them sleep: “Only problem is, every time someone turns on the vacuum cleaner, you dive under the bed.”

Leno, on a report that half the men in this country who have plastic surgery are lawyers: “I can understand that. A lot of times the ambulance will stop short and the guys will break their noses.”

Alex Kaseberg, on word that the median annual income for doctors has fallen to $150,000: “That explains the tip jar in my doctor’s exam room.”

Jerry Perisho, on the kidnapped Arkansas man who was kept in a suitcase for four days: “He was in remarkably good shape when released, except for a few wrinkles, which came right out with a little steam.”

*

Fullerton reader Beth DeVay’s daughter Arielle, 6, who had recently learned which meat products come from what animals, kept picking at her back teeth after a bacon and egg breakfast. When Mom asked what was wrong, the young girl replied:

“I’ve got some pig in my teeth.”