NFL TOP TO BOTTOM

1. Green Bay (12-3): Packers get lucky, get out of Green Bay icebox for NFC title date in San Francisco.

2. Kansas City (12-3): Torn between two quarterbacks, Schottenheimer will make the wrong decision.

3. San Francisco (13-2): 49ers will wheel Rice onto the field and let him catch a pass if they make the Super Bowl.

4. Denver (11-4): Broncos get their playoff rematch with Jaguars; why don’t they look happy?

5. Pittsburgh (11-4): Giving Bill Cowher a playoff bye is not fair to the league’s lesser coaches.

6. Jacksonville (10-5): A great playoff sleeper now that Brunell is running loose.

7. Miami (9-6): Whatever Johnson told his team before playing the Colts, wouldn’t advise saying it again.

8. New England (9-6): Is there still Christmas in New England if Parcells advances and Patriots don’t?

9. Detroit (8-7): They’ve gotten hot at the right time, suggesting Mitchell has had a heart transplant.

10. Tampa Bay (9-6): One more win and Buccaneers host a playoff game--the eighth wonder in the world.

11. New York Giants (9-5-1): Ray Rhodes, Barry Switzer, Norv Turner should be ashamed.

12. New York Jets (9-6): What do you think Parcells really thinks of Neil O’Donnell?

13. Washington (7-7-1): Eight wins could put the Redskins in the playoffs--how embarrassing.

14. Minnesota (8-7): Vikings unable to sell out game that will determine if they make playoffs.

15. Atlanta (7-8): Incomprehensible.

16. Cincinnati (6-9): Another late-season surge, lifting expectations for next year--to be dashed later.

17. Indianapolis (3-12): Giant killers, and playing better than the teams below.

18. Tennessee (7-8): Pittsburgh will rest Bettis, so Oilers will pad their record.

19. Carolina (7-8): Christmas shopping? Or watch the Rams play the Panthers?

20. Seattle (7-8): Hackett? USC could have waited a week and gotten Erickson, a proven college winner.

21. Dallas (6-9): They shoot cowboys, don’t they? Oh, horses, that’s right.

22. Philadelphia (6-8-1): Eagles can put the Redskins out of our misery.

23. New Orleans (6-9): Superdome should be renamed SuperDitka in honor of six with this group.

24. Buffalo (6-9): Cheering for these stiffs is one thing, doing it in Buffalo is ridiculous.

25. Baltimore (6-8-1): Zeier is 2-0 and the Ravens are so impressed, they’re trying to sign Jim Kelly.

26. Chicago (4-11): About time for Rick Mirer to start thinking about his career after football.

27. Oakland (4-11): If you merged the Raiders, Chargers and Rams, they’d still be 4-11.

28. San Diego (4-11): Season’s greetings from Bobby Ross, now on his way to the playoffs.

29. St. Louis (4-11): Old L.A. teams now a combined 8-22. And people wonder if L.A. misses football.

30. Arizona (3-12): Talk about motivation: A loss to Atlanta guarantees the first pick in the draft.