WHAT I DID IN 1997

I couldn’t prevent

The Versace attack

I wore dark glasses

Like the “Men in Black.”

I placed flowers

For Princess Di

In North Hollywood

I saw bullets fly.

I watched the Dow drop

And that’s no bull

I went on stage bare

My monty was full.

I joined a cult

Called Heaven’s Gate

Started a rumor

That Ellen was straight.

I found a stash

Of Nazi gold

Wasn’t upset

When O.J.’s house sold.

I gave Marv Albert

A bunch of hickeys

Admired the nerve

Of Harold Ickes.

I bit Mike Tyson

Kissed Ally McBeal

I choked Latrelle

I slapped Shaquille.

I dated Jewel

Wrote songs for Beck

Thought that au pair

Was full of Scheck.

I landed on Mars

Made JPL cheer

Met space cadets

When I lived on Mir.

I said a prayer for

Bill’s son Ennis

Helped Hingis take over

Women’s tennis.

I gave legal tips

To Kelly Flinn

My pitching helped

The Marlins win.

I captured Pol Pot

But didn’t see a

Famine coming to

North Korea.

I cut my hair

Just like Drew Carey

My rehab “Friend”

Was Matthew Perry.

I discussed road rage

When I did “Oprah”

Hung out at Starbucks

With Deepak Chopra.

I found dead fish

In Chesapeake Bay

I faked some letters

By JFK.

I spent my nights

Counting cloned sheep

Took melatonin

To help me sleep.

I told Hernandez

To quit his job

Said “Lighten up!”

To B-1 Bob.

I watched Bill Maher

And Rosie daily

Gave angel’s wings

To George Bailey.

I hoped Mideast things

Would somehow fall right

With some help from

Madeleine Albright.

I gave up home runs

To Ken Griffey

My ebonics plan

Was looking iffy.

I had front row seats

At Lilith Fair

Drank coffee with Bill

Tea with Tony Blair.

I beat Deep Blue

In a game of chess

Fought the GOP

And saved PBS.

I took the air bag

Out of my Taurus

I won my case

Against Philip Morris.

I saw Fleetwood Mac

I worked on my abs

Set Frank Gifford up

Got paid by the tabs.

I defied Saddam

A nasty fella

Saw El Nin~o coming

Bought an umbrella.

A Promise Keeper

I became for life

I no longer see

My kids and wife.

I lent Newtie

Three hundred grand

I knew McVeigh

Wouldn’t take the stand.

In New York City

I named bad cops

Went to Spice Girls

Photo ops.

I freed hostages

Held in Peru

Went to the Getty

Just for the view.

I fought inter-

Galactic bugs

I took lots of

Fertility drugs.

I closed restaurants

And caused a panic

I stood in line

For “Titanic.”

I gave Ted Turner

A billion bucks

“Beavis” got canceled

That really sucks.

Let’s hope ’98

Has a lotta

Real good stuff

And yada, yada.