NFL TOP TO BOTTOM

1. Denver (9-1): Putting Schottenheimer down for the count once again.

2. Green Bay (8-2): Play the Colts, get a taste of what the 49ers face every week.

3. San Francisco (9-1): None of the 49ers’ nine victims has a winning record.

4. Minnesota (8-2): Bring on the Lions and make sure Mitchell is playing quarterback.

5. Jacksonville (7-3): Eleven straight wins at home and a chance to drill the Oilers.

6. Pittsburgh (7-3): A home game against Cincinnati--a late-season bye.

7. Kansas City (7-3): Chiefs are nothing but hound dogs without Elvis.

8. Tampa Bay (7-3): About time to be measured for choke collars.

9. New England (6-4): Bledsoe versus Dilfer: A mismatch, but Bledsoe might surprise.

10. New York Jets (6-4): Walking into a Bear trap?

11. Seattle (6-4): Bourbon Street could pose more problems than Saints.

12. Dallas (5-5): The greatest NFL comeback engineered by Barry Switzer.

13. Washington (6-4): One of the best mediocre teams in football.

14. New York Giants (6-4): Only thing keeping Giants in first place is date with Arizona.

15. Miami (6-4): Karim Abdul-Jabbar should change his name to Walter Payton.

16. Tennessee (5-5): Nashville NHL team to be Predators; now you know why Oilers won’t change name.

17. Carolina (5-5): Shut out by Broncos, but gets much easier test in San Francisco.

18. Buffalo (5-5): Todd Collins is back--stop yawning.

19. Detroit (4-6): Wayne Fontes has agreed to deliver the halftime speech.

20. Philadelphia (4-6): Bobby Hoying starts because he can see receivers without standing on tiptoes.

21. Baltimore (4-6): How do you shut out Vinny Testaverde? You make him throw the ball.

22. San Diego (4-6): Chargers gets Colts, Bengals, Seahawks and Raiders in four-game stretch. So far 1-2.

23. Cincinnati (3-7): Fans want Boomer, coach sticks with Blake. Fans have better record than coach.

24. Oakland (3-7): Time to fire 53 players, coach and all assistants and start over.

25. New Orleans (3-7): Most amazing statistic of 1997: three wins for the Saints.

26. Atlanta (2-8): Don’t the Falcons always go 2-8 in their first 10 games?

27. St. Louis (2-8): St. Louis loses lawsuit, becoming more and more like Rams every day.

28. Arizona (2-8): Cardinals don’t need Plummer, they need a quarterback.

29. Chicago (1-9): Bears have a better record than Cubs after 10 games.

30. Indianapolis (0-10): With Justin, Harbaugh, Holcomb, Torretta and Bell, there’s no room for Manning.