What I Did in 1998

I saved Private Ryan

Under heavy fire;

I gained House seats;

I walked McGwire.

I caught the last act

Of Gingrich’s reign,

Sent Newt to Georgia

On the midnight train.

I told Livingston

To end his stint;

He got out-hustled

By Larry Flynt.

I watched impeachment

Make D.C. a smut town,

One more GOP

Government shutdown.

I won a gold

Just like Lipinski;

I hid the dress

For Ms. Lewinsky.

I bought a shack

From Ted Kaczynski;

I cooked the books

For Garth Drabinsky.

I felt Bill’s pain,

Knew he was hurtin’;

I had a love child

With Dan Burton.

I watched “Godzilla”

Not do too well;

Yo quiero

Taco Bell.

I saw basketball

Players get booed;

One held a sign:

“Will dunk for food.”

Made sure the budget

Was loaded with pork,

Looked for a sniper

In upstate New York.

I tried Viagra

I got from Bob Dole;

I gave my razor

To Paula Cole.

Got caller ID

For all my phones,

Played “Got Your Nose!”

With Paula Jones.

I heard the shots

On Capitol Hill,

Didn’t like the new

Twenty-dollar bill.

In World Cup soccer

I played for France,

Hid Olestra chips

In my cargo pants.

I buried Linda

Instead of Paul;

I yelled at Knoblauch

To pick up the ball.

I gasped at Matthew

Shepard’s attack,

Told Ally McBeal

To eat a Big Mac.

I worried a lot

About interest rates,

Told the Feds to

Go after Bill Gates.

I dropped out of sight

Just like Art Bell;

I bought a Furby,

Merged with AOL.

I danced with Soy Bomb,

Studied the Torah,

Posted nude photos

Of Dr. Laura.

I did my best

To try and be as

Sexy and fun

As Cameron Diaz.

I told Tawana

To admit she lied;

I had an affair

With Henry Hyde.

I waited for the

“Seinfeld” finale,

Went to an anti-

David Cash rally.

I joked with Chris Tucker,

Flew with John Glenn;

In “Dawson’s Creek”

I flirted with Jen.

I liked retro swing,

Call me Daddy-O;

Played Squirrel Nut Zippers

On my patio.

I learned from Frank

And did it my way;

Drove my new Beetle

Out on the highway.

I bombed Bin Laden,

Bought Yeltsin a drink,

Arranged Mideast peace,

Made Saddam blink.

Dated Ginger Spice

But things got messy;

I voted for The

Body named Jesse.

Casey Martin

Played the course;

He put the golf cart

Before the horse.

I got nostalgic

For the ‘80s,

Was misled by

The Beardstown Ladies.

I wondered if the

Dodgers would falter

Without an O’Malley

Like Peter or Walter.

On Magic’s show

I did publicity,

Lied about my age,

Wrote for “Felicity.”

I cheered Sosa

The home run Cubbie;

I outed Ari-

anna’s hubby.

I saw kids go

On shooting sprees;

I stayed away

From skis and trees.

I didn’t believe

Kathleen Willey;

Milli died . . . or

Was it Vanilli?

I couldn’t get that

Nanny convicted;

“The Waterboy’s” success

No one predicted.

I saw the damage

From Hurricane Mitch;

I bought a stamp with

A picture of Hitch.

I didn’t find the

Atlanta bomber;

Took kava kava

To make me calmer.

I did find Sally

Heming’s DNA;

(It’s a good thing Tom’s

Not alive today.)

I stood out on

A building ledge

Wishing my funds

Had not been hedge.

I went online,

Read Ken Starr porno;

Knocked up Mary

Kay Le Tourneau.

Here’s to ’99

Ladies and men:

Happy trails to you

‘Til we meet again.