Punch Lines
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Silly: A Pennsylvania couple were amazed to find that the strange noise coming from their car engine was a cat stuck in the gas tank. “Apparently, it was a Catillac.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)
Dumb: Pfizer pharmaceuticals has announced it will start advertising Viagra on TV. “Now, all they need is a good slogan. So far, the favorite suggestion is, ‘Take a pill and be like Bill.’ ” (Argus Hamilton)
And Dumber: A panda walked into a sports bar, had a sandwich and a drink, then pulled out a gun. He shot up the mirrors, dishes, glasses, scared the customers and turned to leave.
“Where do you think you’re going?” the manager yelled.
“I’m a panda. Look it up,” he shouted as he went through the door.
The bartender pulled out a dictionary, found the right entry and read to the crowd: “A tree-dwelling animal with black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.” (Hamilton)
Rich: Bill Gates topped the Forbes billionaire list at $51 billion. “Looks like the Bible is wrong. It should have read, ‘The geek shall inherit the earth.’ ” (Hamilton)
And Richer: The Chinese government has banned writings about President Clinton’s sexual escapades. “But they forget that Laugh Lines is on the Internet. So, for all our readers in China: “Bill Clinton scores more than the Dodgers.” (Gary Easley)
Richest: The new Steven Spielberg movie, “Saving Private Ryan,” nearly got an NC-17 rating due to extreme violence. “Charlton Heston calls it the feel-good movie of the summer.” (Zack Taylor)
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The Butchered David Letterman:
Signs you’re watching a bad Disney movie:
* It’s two hours of accidental deaths at Disney’s Animal Kingdom.
* Characters keep saying how great it will be to buy the video when it comes out.
* You find yourself thinking, “Did Minnie get implants?”
* It’s advertised as being “from the makers of Euro Disney.”
* Music and lyrics by Roger Clinton.
* Mickey shouts, “Oh, my God, they killed Goofy!”
* Minnie Mouse spends half the movie stranded on a deserted island with Anne Heche.
* There are five or six Dalmatians, tops.
* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.
