Punch Lines

Yo No Quiero El Nin~o: “Because of El Nin~o, the DMV has added some new questions to the written driving test. During a mudslide, two houses are coming to an intersection at the same time. Which house has the right of way?” (Jay Leno)

Immaculate Conception: Actress Jodie Foster is pregnant. “Although she refused to discuss who the father is, she has been spotted taking a test tube out for dinner and a movie.” (Premiere Radio)

Ricki, Don’t Lose That Number: President Clinton signed a bill naming Lake Champlain one of the Great Lakes. “So, if my count is correct, there are now seven Great Lakes in the U.S.: Superior, Michigan, Huron, Erie, Ontario, Champlain and Ricki.” (Jerry Perisho)

As the World Interns: Vernon Jordan said the president’s secretary asked him to get Monica Lewinsky a job, and that he drove her to interviews. “These are either the nicest people in the world or somebody’s lying. We have interns here at [NBC] and we don’t drive them anywhere. We send them out for coffee during El Nin~o.” (“Saturday Night Live”)

Birthday: Time magazine turned 75. “The numbers are astounding. Since 1923, over 16 billion subscription cards have fallen on the floor.” (Alan Ray)

Granny, What B.I.G. Eyes You Have: “That rapping granny from ‘The Wedding Singer’ could make history. She could be the first rap singer to ever die of natural causes.” (Leno)

Job News: U.S. unemployment has fallen to a 24-year low. “Nobody loses their job anymore, do they? You choke your boss, no problem. You kill the kid you were baby-sitting, no problem. You have sex with your intern and your job approval goes up.” (Leno)

Signs of the Apocalypse: Jerry Springer has beaten Oprah Winfrey in the ratings. “Everybody on board the handbasket? Next stop: Hell.” (Daily Scoop)

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The Butchered David Letterman:

Top 10 septuplet pet peeves . . .

9. Parents haven’t even named three of us.

8. Even in the new family van, someone has to ride in the glove compartment.

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