LAUGH LINES

To the Rescue: After three U.S. soldiers were captured in Yugoslavia, President Clinton warned that “the U.S. takes care of its own.” “That’s true, Bill, but I don’t think a job at Revlon is what those three soldiers need right now.” (Dennis Miller)

Off Line: The Melissa computer virus forced some companies to shut down e-mail. “That caused huge problems. A lot of people actually had to revert to the old method of telling co-workers dirty jokes by hanging around the water cooler.” (Jay Leno)

Caught in Traffic: Ford will be putting emergency trunk latches on the inside of all new models. “They’ve even got a new slogan: ‘Have you been trapped in a Ford lately?’ ” (Daily Scoop)

Making the Connection: Comcast and Media One announced a merger. “But it won’t be a done deal until a company representative pays a visit, sometime next week, between the hours of 1 and 5 p.m.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Pump Line: BP Amoco has agreed to pay $26.8 billion for Arco. “Which is almost as much as I agreed to pay when I filled up this morning.” (Steve Voldseth)

This Just In: Reports say teen smoking has decreased in Florida. “That’s because there are no teens left in Florida, only seniors.” (Stan Kaplan)

Holy Hit: The pope has a CD out. “One song that got left off: ‘Father, Sony and the Holy Spirit.’ ” (Robert Hirschmann Brown)

Rematch: With $15 million guarantees, Evander Holyfield and Lennox Lewis have agreed to fight again. “That’s $15 million for Holyfield, $15 million for Lewis, and $15 million under the table for the judges.” (Mark Wheeler)

Bad Timing: Daylight saving time kicked in Sunday. “You lost an hour Saturday night--or two hours if you went to see the new ‘Mod Squad’ movie.” (Leno)

The Essential David Letterman

Get-well messages received by Fabio:

10. “Hey--sorry to hear you got hit in the face by a goose!”

9. “This is an inspiration to the millions of people who have been hit in the face by geese while riding a roller coaster.”

8. “Congratulations on making the news for the first time in years.”

7. “Watch your back, pretty boy--Love, the goose’s family.”

5. “Fabio, we’re sorry about your woundio--feel better soonio.”

4. “Hope you’re feeling better--Your buddies at Tri-State Pectoral Implants.”

3. “Save the bloody shirt--we can sell it on e-bay.”

2. “Hope you’re back on your feet and unemployed again in no time.”

1. “Who cares about you--is your hair OK?”

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