COLLEGE BASKETBALL TOP TO BOTTOM

No. School (Record)): Comment

1. Michigan State (7-1): Get well soon, Mateen, we really need you. Sort of.

2. Connecticut (6-1): No truth players’ title rings bought from gum-ball machine.

3. Stanford (5-0): Pity what tough academic standards have done to this program.

4. Cincinnati (6-0): Best show in town since WKRP.

5. Florida (5-1): Donovan assures Spurrier he won’t lose to Alabama twice.

6. Arizona (6-1): Freshmen finally let guards down in loss to UConn.

7. Kansas (6-1): Dust in the wind. All we are is dust in the wind.

8. North Carolina (6-2): OK, we’ve had it with the Weber St. jokes.

9. UCLA (3-0): Eager to hear NCAA tournament stories from Gonzaga.

10. Syracuse (7-0): Need injured C Etan Thomas in one piece before Big East opener.

11. Ohio State (2-1): One of the few schools to lose to Notre Dame this year.

12. Duke (5-2): Coach K complains of expensive after-school care for freshmen.

13. Auburn (4-1): OVER-RATED, clap, clap, clap-clap-clap.

14. Indiana (5-0): Knight hunting mishap obviously a brilliant motivational ploy.

15. Tennessee (7-0): Played Elon, Long Island. Who’s next, Coney Island?

16. Texas (4-2): Rooting for Stanford in Rose Bowl after hoops loss to Wisconsin.

17. Temple (3-2): Team has no pep without Pepe.

18. DePaul (5-2): Next national anthem to be sung by DePeter, DePaul and DeMary.

19. Oklahoma State (6-0): Nonconference schedule softer than Kansas St. football.

20. Gonzaga (4-2): Sold to recruits as a WCC team with an ACC schedule.

21. Wake Forest (5-0): It has been a slow crawl back from Tim Duncan era.

22. Illinois (4-2): Look at losses to Maryland/Duke as character builders.

23. Kentucky (4-3): How many more days until the Kentucky Derby?

24. Purdue (4-2): Nearly a case of the yips against the Akron Zips.

25. Maryland/Winthrop (7-2/4-2): Terps must share spot after harrowing OT win.