LAUGH LINES

Pay as You Go: “Al Gore introduced his new economic plan. It’s very complicated. I like the Bush economic plan. A lot simpler. Under the Bush plan . . . every time he swears, he puts $5 in a cookie jar. In four years, the national debt would be paid off just like that.” (Jay Leno)

Out of This World: “The 20th anniversary edition of ‘E.T.’ will be released in March 2002. It’s a new special edition that will include never-before-seen footage and updates on the characters. For example, one scene shows the now middle-aged E.T. entering rehab for his Reese’s Pieces addiction.” (Ira Lawson)

Filling the Spot: “George W. Bush announced he will appear on ‘Live With Regis’ this month. It had to happen. Regis has been searching everywhere for the right fluffy airhead . . . to replace Kathie Lee on the show.” (Argus Hamilton)

Chew on This: “Here’s something scary: . . . While Hillary Clinton was campaigning in New York City, a woman tried to approach her, and I guess she looked threatening. She bit a Secret Service agent . . . [who] was trying to stop her from getting to the first lady. A woman who bites. That’s dangerous for Hillary. But think how much worse it would have been if it was Bill.” (Leno)

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