LAUGH LINES

Pound Per Pound: “A Canadian agency is reporting that the number of obese Canadians is rising rapidly. Those Canadians--always trying to copy us.... But the good news for Canadians: 280 pounds Canadian is only 180 pounds American.” (Jay Leno)

The End: “There’s new information that global warming is becoming a bigger problem.... The Discovery Channel claims that drying forests, expanding deserts and rising sea levels could spell the end of civilization as we know it.... However, anyone who has watched ‘Jerry Springer’ knows it’s already here.” (Ira Lawson)

Refresh His Memory: “Simon and Schuster announced it’s going to pay Ozzy Osbourne $3 million to write his memoirs. Memoirs? ... What is his memory? ... Maybe the past two or three weeks?” (Leno)

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