Unspeakable

Imagine this scene: Actress Lindsay Lohan walks into a record executive’s office. They hug. They air kiss. They laugh. They get down to business.

She: “Gee, thanks for showing interest in me. I’d love to make an album, but I’ve never done it before. Isn’t it hard?”

He: “Not at all. Anyone can do it. We’ll put you with the best writers and producers. I’m talking people who have worked with the biggest stars -- Britney and Jessica and Ashlee and Bon Jovi. They’ll take care of everything.”

She: “That sounds great. Maybe I can even write a song with them.”

He: “You’re a songwriter too? I love it! We’ll get you a publishing deal. What do you want to write about?”

She: “What about a song about this girl having a crush on this guy and she wants so bad for him to notice her? You think anyone could relate to that?”

He: “Brilliant! Didn’t I tell you how easy this is?”

Albums are rated on a scale of one star (poor) to four stars (excellent).

-- Robert Hilburn