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You really have to shake your head over the alleged sexual misconduct of former U.S. Rep. Eric Swalwell, the Bay Area Democrat whose life has imploded after a handful of women (last count: five) accused him of egregious misbehavior, including rape.
All of the alleged acts are said to have taken place after the sordid revelations of the 2017 MeToo movement, when so many powerful men were toppled after dozens of survivors detailed the ways the men had used their power to sexually harass, abuse and assault subordinates.
Given the bloody professional and personal carnage of that shocking era, if you were a powerful elected official with sexual compulsions, wouldn’t you think twice about acting on them? Especially if you were seeking a higher office that would put you squarely in the national spotlight?
I mean, come on. Why is it so damn difficult for so many men with so much to lose to keep their pants zipped? Cautionary tales abound: Harvey Weinstein ended up in prison. Talk show titans Matt Lauer and Charlie Rose have disappeared. Bill O’Reilly, who once dominated cable news from his perch at Fox, now operates at the bleak margins of the conservative media landscape. Celebrity chef Mario Batali left New York for northern Michigan, and no longer owns the restaurants that made him famous.
Swalwell has heatedly denied the accusations, which have now sparked criminal investigations in New York, Los Angeles and Washington. Regardless of the investigations’ outcomes, the damage is done. Swalwell has resigned from Congress and dropped out of the California governor’s race.
“I do not suggest to you in any way that I’m perfect or I’m a saint,” Swalwell said in an Instagram video. “I have certainly made mistakes in judgment in my past, but those mistakes are between me and my wife, and to her, I apologize deeply for putting her in this position.”
Three things strike me as ludicrous about his statement.
First, nobody is accusing him of being perfect or a saint. That language is classic deflection/innoculation/false humility (take your pick).
Second, his “mistakes” are not just between him and his wife. Unfortunately, the whole country, the state of California and his Dublin-area constituents have all been dragged into this imperfect, unsaintly mess.
And third, if he did anything untoward to the women accusing him, he should apologize to them. Even if he had encounters that he believes were consensual, that would be wrong if he was engaging with interns and staffers, women who say they believed their careers depended on staying in his good graces.
Now, it seems, women are coming out of the woodwork with Swalwell stories, including Lonna Drewes, who alleged during a Los Angeles press conference on Tuesday that Swalwell drugged and raped her in Beverly Hills in 2018. “He raped me and he choked me and while he was choking me I lost consciousness and I thought I died,” Drewes said.
When men behaving badly have boggled me, I turn to David Wexler, a San Diego clinical psychologist, founder of the Relationship Training Institute and the author and co-author of many books, including, most recently, “Choose Him Wisely.”
What must high-profile men be thinking, I asked Wexler on Thursday, days after the allegations forced Swalwell out of Congress and out of the California governor’s race? And why do the men who are found guilty think they can get away with this?
“When somebody has an out-of-control need for what’s called ‘narcissistic supplies,’ it can override all sorts of good judgment,” Wexler told me. “There’s a hole they are trying to fill, and for a lot of these men — it’s true of Bill Clinton, too — it’s never enough.”
The thought process, Wexler said, is something like, “ ‘I am different because I am not doing anything bad and these women are really hot for me…. This is consensual.’ Most men, except for the hardcore psychopaths, have to convince themselves of that or they couldn’t do it.”
Could someone so out of touch with reality ever really face the allegations against him honestly? I asked Wexler. (I mean, just look at Weinstein, sitting in prison, still protesting his innocence.)
Not really, Wexler replied. “This kind of personality type is just not wired to accept deeper, darker truths about themselves. I see many men like this who allow a little bit of self-awareness to sink in, but it is rare to really grasp how much bad they have done. It’s like a psychological life and death thing.”
Although rumors about Swalwell had been swirling for a long time, it was two social media content creators — Arielle Fodor, who calls herself “Mrs. Frazzled” on Instagram and TikTok, and lawyer/activist Cheyenne Hunt — who forced it into view, leading to stories in the San Francisco Chronicle and CNN.
The growing clout of such online personalities, wrote Politico’s Melanie Mason and Jeremy B. White, “has thrust campaigns into a new digital Wild West, where long-buried allegations and unsubstantiated rumors can find their earliest stages of vetting, a warning for politicians at all levels.”
Well, it should be a warning. But a certain kind of man will never think it applies to him.
“That’s 100% true,” Wexler said. “Some men can and have changed, and I think the MeToo movement has had an impact to some degree. But if our goal is zero levels of men taking advantage of women, that goal will never be met.”
Bluesky: @rabcarian
Threads: @rabcarian
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Ideas expressed in the piece
The article argues that Eric Swalwell and other powerful men should have learned from the dramatic professional consequences that befell prominent figures after the 2017 MeToo movement, when survivors detailed how men in positions of power used their authority to sexually harass, abuse and assault subordinates.[1][3]
The piece contends that it is illogical for men with significant power and status—particularly those seeking higher office—to continue engaging in alleged sexual misconduct despite the cautionary examples of figures like Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer, and Charlie Rose, whose careers were destroyed following similar allegations.[3]
The article criticizes Swalwell’s public statement as deflective, noting that his framing of alleged misconduct as “mistakes” between him and his wife obscures the harm to accusers and the broader impact on constituents and constituents, and argues that if his interactions with interns and staffers involved any impropriety, his apologies should be directed toward the women involved.[5]
Drawing on psychological expertise, the piece suggests that men like Swalwell possess narcissistic traits and an excessive need for “narcissistic supplies” that override good judgment, leading them to rationalize their behavior as consensual and convince themselves they are somehow different or special.[4]
The article expresses skepticism that some men will fundamentally change their behavior, noting that certain personality types may make superficial concessions to self-awareness but rarely grasp the full extent of harm they have caused.[4][9]
The piece highlights how social media activists and online personalities have begun to expose long-buried allegations that traditional institutions may have overlooked, creating new accountability mechanisms in the digital age.[7]
Different views on the topic
Survey research indicates that the #MeToo movement’s message has not reached a significant portion of men, with 41 percent reporting they had never heard of the movement, and approximately half having never discussed it with anyone.[4]
Research shows that MeToo’s practical impact on changing workplace behavior has been limited, with more than half of North American human resources professionals reporting they have not seen demonstrable changes in workplace conduct since the movement gained prominence.[4]
Some men have responded to #MeToo with defensive reactions, claiming the movement discriminates against their group and challenging its framing of gender inequality, viewing discussions of accountability as attacks on male identity and morality.[6]
The #MeToo movement has faced criticism for largely ignoring sexual abuse and exploitation experienced by men, with male survivors reporting that they face significant barriers to disclosure, including fears that reporting will damage their reputation or be dismissed by service providers, and that the broader cultural narrative continues to frame men primarily as perpetrators rather than potential victims.[2]
Workplace studies indicate that while #MeToo has made some men more cautious in their professional interactions, this has created confusion about appropriate conduct, with some men uncertain about how to interact with female colleagues and expressing difficulty navigating workplace relationships in what they perceive as an increasingly complex social environment.[4][8]
Advocates note that meaningful change requires men to engage in collective education and support for one another, acknowledging that lasting transformation depends on humane, empathetic approaches focused on demonstrating positive examples of equitable behavior rather than approaches centered on guilt, shame or fear.[4][9]
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