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Nathan Gray

Op-comic: Do doctors really choose to die differently?

A hospital patient with a white sheet held in front of her as a bull charges toward her.
(Nathan Gray / For The Times)

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At the end of my medical training, I felt drenched in the weight of others' suffering.
The ICU in particular seemed a special kind of misery. A time traveler might presume our invasive treatment a punishment.
Many of us in medicine hold strong opinions about what treatments we think we'd be willing to go through in the hospital.
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Much has been made over years about whether doctors actually DO choose such interventions differently when they reach the end
You might think that after a decade working with those facing serious illness, I would have all of my OWN values figured out.
But the more time I spent with those wading into serious illness, the more my own certainties began to erode.
Some experienced clinicians held to their prior opinions at end, but others found that "the bull looks different in the ring"
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I wonder if I too might choose to go through unthinkable trials for a chance at more days with the ones I love.
Even with my own certainty fading, I've found plenty of space to gently share what I've seen of medicine, both good and bad.
I'm learning not to hold on too tightly to my "nevers."
References

Nathan Gray is an associate professor of medicine at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and author of “The Human Remains: Drawing Out Compassion in Medicine.” X: @NathanAGray

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