LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Jenny Church, on today’s 100th anniversary of Caltrans’ predecessor, the California Bureau of Highways: “Officials will serve CHIPs and dip, then bring out the cake and the rocky road.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on The Newt’s speech: “He said the first 100 days were marked with meanness, violent arguments, threats and a complete lack of ethics. No one knows why he decided to discuss the Simpson trial.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the “contract with America”: “Rich people’s problems get fixed; the poor’s get newtered.”

Jay Leno, on President Clinton saying the nation is at a crossroads: “Doesn’t it feel more like we are stalled on the tracks at a railroad crossing, and the lights are coming down and the train is coming?”

Comedy writer Michael Connor, on Japanese voters electing comedians as governors of Tokyo and Osaka: “It was a two-city sweep for the Rubber Chicken Party.”

* Adds comedy writer Alex Pearlstein: “They ran on a platform of ‘a chicken in every pot, and a pie in every face.’ ”

Leno, on the abysmal scores of L.A. students on state standardized tests: “The article was on the front page of The Times. This could really hurt the morale and self-esteem of L.A. students. Good thing they can’t read.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the ban against T-shirt sales on the D.C. mall: “Outside the Capitol, hucksters have been pushing every kind of cause for a buck. It was beginning to look like inside the Capitol.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Palm Beach home owned for 62 years by the Kennedy family and now up for sale: “A preservation commission may block any sale. Hugh Hefner wants to declare the guest cabana a historic landmark.”

Judy Saner, on the late Doris Duke’s ex-butler running up $20,000 in one month on her American Express card at Giorgio Armani on Rodeo Drive: “The store said he came back the next month and bought the matching pants.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on boxer Mike Tyson still working with promoter Don King: “One thing for sure: Jail didn’t make Mike any smarter.”

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That’s Entertainment? . . . Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on the bomb scare at the “Regis and Kathie Lee” show: “The show’s producer says he hasn’t seen this kind of panic and fear since Kathie Lee’s duet with Yoko Ono.”

* Adds comedy writer Gary Easley: “When Regis and Kathie Lee are interviewing three models, aren’t the words ‘bomb threat’ redundant?”

Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on 54-year-old Nancy Sinatra posing nude for Playboy: “I guess not aging gracefully is an inherited trait.”

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Ontario reader Dennis Tedder took granddaughter Lacey, 4, to visit a Chino dairy. After seeing all the cows with metal identification tags on their ears, the little girl excitedly turned to him and said:

“Look, Grandpa, they’re for sale; they’ve all got price tags. Can we get one?”